Stupid Rose Bushes
by Enele
Summary: "I love you", he had said. It took her some time to figure out what she wanted. [Rewrite of the 2015 story]


_(A/N:_ _This is a rewrite of the story of the same name I published in April 2015. I mostly changed the beginning and now I finally feel properly pleased with it. Have fun! :) )_

* * *

" _I love you"_ , he had said.

There he was. Dinner was about to start and he sat together with his Quidditch team mates at the Gryffindor table. They were having a lively discussion, burst into laughter because of something he had said.

Her knees turned weak. She hid in a niche by the door to let the students behind her into the Hall. She bit on her lips.

It wasn't really easy, talking to him now. She would rather undergo another, terrible lesson of Care of Magical Creatures if she could choose, but it'd be unfair. He had asked this one thing of her, to clear up her mind, and he rarely asked for anything. She owed it to him. Especially after their last conversation which … had been intense. She could still recall every word.

It was mostly him whom had talked, though. He was relentlessly direct about everything, about how he felt, about how he wasn't able to understand her, about how he wanted her to find out what she wanted.

She was still baffled by his kindness. Although she had made him mad, he had seemed to be willing. " _I'm open to everything"_ , he had said. _"Friends, enemies, girlfriend and boyfriend. I just need clarity. Otherwise you hurt me. Find out what you want, Lily."_

Her name had sounded soft and sweet on his lips. But he had been desperate, mad, angry; cold tension in his face and hard lines around his mouth. At the end, his brows had been furrowed in sorrow and he had shot a last, hopeful glance at her before turning around and leaving.

It had been too much for her, too many open words about things she hadn't dared to think about yet. It all had started with her walking with him and his friends from class to class without a thought. She followed them around to discuss teaching, Quidditch and politics – glad to realise that there were still people out there with common knowledge and a good portion of discontent. And they made her happy, especially him and the way he took her into his life. She joked around with him because he was _fun._ She had started helping him in Potions and once she brushed his arm leaning over his cauldron, she couldn't get herself to prevent it from happening again. His skin was tanned, soft and warm, and she got used to brush over it whenever they handed each other a pot of juice, a book or a piece of parchment. She got aware that her first and last thought of the day usually were about him, or the things he had said, or how the light had fell through his messy strands of hair.

Yes, it had taken her some time. His outburst and request had certainly helped, though, and she was _desperate_ to talk to him now.

She took a deep breath and walked to him. Upright. She certainly was nervous but showing it wouldn't help anything.

She was a Gryffindor after all.

When she stood behind him, she raised her voice. "James …?"

He quickly turned around. He recognized her and looked surprised. "Lily!"

She looked into his face, staring at his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his eyebrows. _"_ _Lily, I'm being serious. I love you, the whole school knows that. But this situation is getting out of hand, I don't understand what you're doing. I'm so done with this. Tell me – do you love me?"_ Suddenly it was very difficult to speak.

"Yes?", he asked.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure", he said.

He waited for her to speak. With a nod to the Quidditch players around him and a small smile, she whispered: "Alone."

He stood up and left his friends. She suddenly wasn't so sure if she was still welcome. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Crowds of hungry students arrived in the Great Hall and he took the lead, manoeuvring her through the crowds with a hand on her back. It felt good and safe and natural and made her edgy at the same time. She couldn't see his face, though, because he was taller than her and looked ahead. With every step, she lost her nerves more and more.

When they walked through the Entrance Hall, there were whispers and James took his hand from her back. Suddenly she felt rejected and he lead her to the Grounds as if this was simply business. He still had his arm around her – he didn't touch her but she could still sense his hand close to her back. She tried to put on a business face as well and failed miserably.

He had said she'd hurt him. He had said it'd freaked him out. " _I'm not blind – you follow every little step of me and keep making eyes and touching me all the time. But on the next day you treat me like I was, I don't know, Mulciber or someone like that!"_

She was crestfallen and she could not blame him. After how she dealt with him, it was a surprise that he agreed to talk to her at all.

"So?", he asked as he stopped next to some rose bushes. The grounds were empty, everyone was at dinner. The lawns glowed green in the setting sunlight. There was a small breeze.

They looked at each other. He was not as grim as she expected him to be, no, his face looked rather soft and warm and gentle. And he _had_ agreed to talk to her; so maybe there was a slight chance after all. But then the moment was gone, he looked impatient and she tried to pull herself together.

"Well … eh … I ..."

He gave an annoyed groan and ruffled his hair. "Lily, just say it!"

She grimaced slightly. It wasn't any easier now that he stood in front of her, so close, so tensed, so alive. She took a deep breath and said:

"I … I've been thinking a lot in the past few days … and weeks."

"About what?", he asked.

" _I'm not blind"_ , he had said.

She tried to avoid his eyes. They made her go mad, they were so deep, so brown, like a deer, alert and observant. "About … you and me, us … I wondered a lot about it." Instead, she found a small dirty spot on his shirt at her eye level and stared intensively at it. "And I _think_ I finally made a conclusion."

She could see how James' Adam's apple jumped as he swallowed. His voice sounded tight and hoarse when he asked: "Which conclusion did you make?"

Looking him in the eyes again clearly was a mistake. She let out a squeaking noise.

"IrealisedthatIdoloveyou – anddecidedthatIreallywouldliketobeyourgirlfriend?!"

"What?", James said startled. "Wait, what?"

There it was. Out. She said it. She didn't dare to say it again or to do anything else. She pressed her lips together and watched him. He was so close … she could see every pore of his face, his sunburn, every hair of his eyebrows, eyelashes, laughter lines, even some freckles. She could hear and feel his breathing, the movements of his chest, the air stream out of his nose. She could see how he slowly realised what she had said, how his posture changed, that he held his breath. Her own heart beat excitedly, she was kind of short of breath, too, and started to breath through her nose faster because her lips were still pressed together.

"Wait a sec ...", James said and time seemed to stand still. They searched for each other's eyes. "Did I get that right? You – _you_ , Lily Evans … want to be _my_ girlfriend?"

He didn't look as if she just declared her love. He looked as if she told him the Prime Minister was murdered. Shocked and still. He wet his lower lip with his tongue and asked: "Are you sure?"

She swallowed. "Absolutely."

James blinked twice. Then he said "Whoa!" and covered his cheeks with his hands, looking into the sky. He was so close to her, she could smell him, she never wanted to stop smelling him now, and who thought brown eyes could be so appealing? She could easily lay her whole hand on his chest, she wanted to do it, she wanted to touch his cheeks, his arms, feel his heart under his chest –

" _I'm not blind"_ , he had said. _"_ _I love you"_ , he had said. But he had also said that it freaked him out, that he was so done with this, that she hurt him. Lily bit on her lip, observing him. Maybe she had taken too long. He didn't do _anything_ right now, he just stood there, puzzled, staring into nothing. Maybe that was it, maybe she should just leave – and then he looked back to her, into her eyes, and she could see her own reflection in his damn brown eyes and she had to swallow. She had to know where she stood, now.

"Do you ..." She didn't dare to pronounce it. She started again. "Are you still interested in me?"

James looked back at her. "What?", he said confused.

Well, there she had her answer. It was as good as a no. She panicked. "I'm sorry, I -"

"Why wouldn't I?", James interrupted her.

She raised her eyebrows. "You didn't really _do_ anything after I …"

He looked at her with his mouth slightly open, processing what she'd said. Then he shouted: "I couldn't believe it!" He grinned with his whole face and he started to turn on the spot back and forth. "I didn't dare to hope for anything! And now you stood here and were like …" He made big gestures with his arms. "Merlin, of course I'm still interested in you and _of course_ I love you and – oh, bloody hell, how desperately I want you to be my girlfriend, too!"

He stood with outstretched arms in front of her, smiling, with sparkling eyes, and Lily was flabbergasted. The things he just said made her go weak at the knees and as he stood with these outstretched arms in front of her, slowly starting to realise himself what his outburst really meant, something in her chest started to ache and she finally knew what she wanted. She was able to breath again.

She looked down, took a step forward and before she even knew what was happening, he put both of this arms around her. Their torsos didn't touch, his arms were heavy on her back and she was surrounded by his warmth, his smell, his breath. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and as she opened them again, her eyes fell on that dirty spot on his shirt from earlier.

"You've got some dirt there", she said, looking up with a mischievous grin. James let out a laugh and she felt his whole body shaking. She bubbled over with laughter a bit, too, and touched his chest with her head. It felt so good, so right, so perfect that she rested it there for a moment. She could hear how fast his heart was beating, his smell was everywhere and she wanted nothing more than staying like this forever.

"Oh, Lily!", James mumbled and hugged her tighter. She looked at his face again and was completely taken by his skin, freckles, hair. They stayed a few moments like this, looking at each other with tight, exploratory faces, completely absorbed in the little moment between calm and tension before the storm. They couldn't believe what was actually happening.

A flurry came and brushed through their hair and Lily's strands got all messy. James took one between his fingers. He wore that expression he also usually wore in the library when he did his research. He was excited, fevered on the search of new information but careful with the old books. Intense, concentrated. Occasional lip-biting. A line between his eyebrows, sparkles in his eyes. Tension in his wide shoulders. Completely in his thoughts.

She bit her lips and suddenly, every inch of her longed for him stronger than before. Her skin prickled, she got warm, it got difficult to breath and her chest, oh, her chest pressed and tightened and cringed. James' breath got fast again, too, he shivered slightly and everywhere was his strong, warm, soft body. She wanted to be touched by him so bad, she wanted to feel his big, rough, strong, careful fingers on her face, everywhere, the fingers with which he caught the Quaffle, held the broom stick, which he jammed into the air when he scored, the ones he held tiny quills with and the ones with which he cut potion ingredients into perfect little pieces.

She looked into his eyes, pleading, she never thought she would plead with him for something, and she saw how his eyes widened and his mouth fell slightly open and the only thing which could save her now was being kissed with these soft, warm, perfect lips.

He moved closer, she let go a sigh, one of his hands was under her jaw now, bending it towards him. She pressed her body against his, she felt every bone and muscle, she finally felt his heart running under her hands on his chest and was ready. Oh, she never had been that ready before; his mouth came closer, she could see every colour in his eyes, she could have count the freckles. As their noses touched and the mouth would be the next contact between them, Lily closed her eyes and James murmured:

"Not just girlfriend. I want you for always."

And with these words he pressed his lips on hers and the only thing Lily could do was to open her lips for him. He slowly started to play with them and she leaned in. Her hand got independent and ran over his shoulder, his neckline, his neck and the touch of his bare skin made her knees go weak. James hand stayed at her jaw, his other one landed on her hip and the sparks the touch sent through her body made her go mad. He pressed her even more towards him and she didn't know _where_ she should go because she already was so close but she needed to get even closer, closer.

And they caught their breaths and continued, couldn't stand being parted from each other, and her lips searched for his again and found them and caressed them once more. His hand on her hip stroke up and down her back and his other one moved behind her head. His touches made her see stars and flashes. And she stretched herself and she ran her hand through his hair, his messy, messy hair that nobody was allowed to touch and now he let her crumple it. It was so soft and smooth. She moved up and down his back with her other hand and couldn't quite comprehend all the muscles and bones she could feel there. And James was still there, still kissing her, still holding her.

And she was wrong, that kiss didn't save her, that kiss demanded more. Her hunger wasn't stilled and the fire in her didn't extinguish, it burnt even stronger and demanded to be fed. And it would take it's combustibles and she was happy to give them to it. Because that's what she wanted. James freaking Potter and no-one else. She wanted him to smile at her with a smile that was only hers. She wanted inside jokes with him, moments with him, only him. She wanted to tease him, to laugh with him, to be with him. Because there, in his arms and kissing him, she found a home she could stay at forever. They mattered.

And, most importantly, she wanted to feel him more. This wasn't quite enough right now.

She moved her hands over his chest, to his belly and to this trousers. While James bit on her lower lip, she grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it upwards. He shivered but groaned into the kiss and started to ruffle her shirt on the back. She could finally feel James' skin under his shirt, felt how her strokes caused goose bumps on him and had to groan as well. His lips left hers, only to strike along her jaw and down her neckline.

Lily noticed where this was going to, her breath went faster and she pulled her upper body backwards to give James more space. He followed and he kissed her neckline further down and leant more and more forwards. Balance became difficult because her feet were too close to his; but she didn't want to step back because she craved his touches – she thought he was holding her but he didn't because he thought _she_ was holding _him_ – her upper body was already too far back – her feet lost b–

Suddenly, there was no hold anywhere.

There was a short moment in the air in which Lily fell backwards freely, eyes wide open in shock. The horizon around her rushed upwards, James followed after her. With a dull thud she fell into the rose bushes, every air cut from her lungs. She couldn't search for breath, James just landed right on top of her, making a surprised noise, sending heavy jars through her body. She closed her eyes.

There was only pain, piercing and dull at the same time. She groaned and James jumped off her.

With his body weight gone, she could find her breath again and opened her eyes. As she stared into the golden evening sky, she tried to compose herself.

"Did we seriously fell into rose bushes?", Lily asked and snorted. "Ah, that hurt ..."

James was too shocked too laugh. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn'-"

"Urgh, help me up", Lily demanded. He didn't need to feel responsible.

He took her hand and helped her up. She groaned in pain and as she stood, James started to examine her. Her clothes were dirty and in tatters. Where her clothes hadn't been, there were lots of scratches. None of them bled but there were thorns everywhere. Her hair was messy and full of leaves.

Lily let go some curses. She bent forwards, tried to even her breathing and said hoarsely: "You're way too heavy, James. You should eat less."

"I'm so sorry, it's because of training", he muttered.

"These bloody thorns are everywhere!", she mumbled enervated.

James pulled out his wand. "I'll charm them away!"

Lily saw how he shivered. "... It's okay, I'll do it. You're hand is too uneasy right now."

"But-"

"Seriously, James", she said with a hard look. "I don't want you to accidentally kill me." She smirked and got to work. "They seriously are _everywhere_! Ouch!"

Slowly but steady every thorn disappeared and James started to calm down. At the end, Lily let him charm away the thorns she couldn't reach. The earlier, physical tension between them had vanished, every move Lily made hurt and she was actually embarrassed. She thought that, as seeker, James was used to much more difficult injuries than these ones and he probably wouldn't whine the way she did. But hell, these scratches really hurt a lot. And every damn bone hurt. Her own fall, plus the one of James' on her, took their troll.

"Where does it hurt most?", James asked.

"My skin hurts like hell", she admitted.

"Hmm", James made. "I know some good healing charms, especially for scratches and scars. We use them often and they always work very well."

"We?"

"Eh, the Quidditch team." James looked to the ground.

There was more to it but Lily didn't care. "Okay, heal me", she said and hold her arms up in the air.

James laughed and said. "Good, but Peter is actually better –"

"Please, James", Lily said softly. James promptly started to perform a series of spells carefully. Lily sighed with relief as the scratches stopped hurting, started to heal and slowly vanished. James was so close to her, she loved his light touches and she could already kiss him again.

When he was finished, she cleaned her clothes, brushed through her hair and started to look like new. James' healing spells worked really well indeed and he countered her admiring expression with a grin. She checked on James and noticed he only had one or two scratches but hell, he was a seeker and hence it wouldn't attract attention. Not everyone had to know about the rose bushes, though.

"We should go to dinner", Lily said. "Sirius is probably already wondering where you are."

"Probably", James answered grinningly and they both laughed.

She would never get her fill of James laughing. She couldn't stop staring at his cheeks, his sparkling eyes, his laughter lines. She couldn't stop grinning. She took James hands and intertwined their fingers. James moved closer.

"I'm really sorry, Lily", he repeated.

Looking at that dirt on his shirt once again, thinking that it would probably always stay there and that she likely would be sad if it didn't, she said: "Don't be ridiculous, I still love you."

She only realised what she had said as James gasped and put a huge smile on his face. She smirked at him. James smirked back. And as she looked into his sparkling eyes, the glow flared up again and she leaned in to kiss him. This kiss was slow, soft, not as wild as their first one. The only thing which touched were their lips and hands. In Lily's stomach, butterflies went wild. It felt just as nice and good.

As they felt ready to face their friends, class mates and teachers, they went back to the Entrance Door – hand in hand and beaming.

Lily indulged in memory of what had happened, how she had felt, what she had wanted, what she had decided. She realised what could have happened if they hadn't fell into the bushes. There had been no-one around, no witnesses whatsoever, they could have had all the freedom in the world. And she noticed that the thought of it didn't scare her. It rather rekindled the fire in her and made her wanting to go on.

Still holding his hand, she said:

"James?"

"Yes?"

"Will we meet tonight?"

He looked at her. They grinned at each other and James said: "Yes. I'll think of something."

Lily squeezed his hand.

"Oh, and James? They don't have to know about the stupid rose bushes", she said.

"Oh, no, they really don't." James grinned.

And with these words they walked into the Great Hall.

" _I love you"_ , they had said.

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 _(A/N: Thank you a lot for reading! Shout-out to vablastky, inkedeath and jimhawkinns who helped me a lot during the process of writing this. If you're interested, there's a photo set for this story on my tumblr (littlewhitesnowowl /post/117432111573). I'd love to hear from you! :) )_


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